Later this morning I will have my first appointment for Chemotherapy. I'll be getting three drugs, Irinotecan, Oxaliplatin and Fluorouracil. Yesterday we met the nurses and saw the facility, learned about the drugs and were able to ask our questions.
I have thought of chemo as the enemy in the past, now I have to change my thinking and see it as one of our tools in combating this cancer. I try to envision it shrinking and killing the cancer cells, while I envision the Haelan I'm taking protecting and guarding the good cells that the chemo usually also kills.
It's kind of like going into labor--everybody has a different experience, it isn't pleasant for anyone, but the result of new life is always worth it. You don't know ahead what your experience will be like, you just go trusting you will get through it and be better off in the end.
I have been amazed and overwhelmed at the caring of my family and friends. Duane has been with me every step of the way, never fussing once at how expensive this is. Everywhere I go people mention they are praying for us. I have received notes that have given courage and comfort, texts and calls and emails to let me know people are thinking of me, people come to walk with me, clean my house, bring me dinner, help me fill my freezer with my special recipe muffins, pumpkin bread and soup. My sister sent a "chemo care package" with books, puzzles and games. A friend gave me a gift certificate for a massage! I've received my first hat, flowers, really nice water bottles, books, ideas, visits, even asparagus! My sister is paying for my daughter's flight out to visit, her in-laws are spending a week with her childen so she can come. My two student sons are both spending their spring breaks with us. The nurse asked if I have a support team, I'd say that's a very big YES!
I'm especially grateful to continue to feel the peace Heavenly Father sends. There are trying moments, but they are just moments. 99% of the time I'm happy and at peace. I know I'm in God's hands, there are too many prayers in my behalf for this to not go as He has planned. Everyone experiences adversity, it's what we're on this planet for, to be tried and tested, to learn and grow. There has to be a little adversity for us to learn from and show our true colors. I'm good with that!
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Friday, February 7, 2014
The Most Important Things about Doctors
With two sons in medical school and lots of experience recently with doctors, I think it's appropriate for me to give some advice--I'm always full of good advice, don't you know! My boys will develop their own styles as they go along, these ideas are things I have appreciated and learned from my doctors.
My doctors have been amazing at keeping in touch and following up. I appreciate that so much. You don't really know if you should mention a little concern, you don't want to bother someone you know is really busy, so when they call me, I feel they really want to know. Then I can be more at peace about a little symptom or something. One doctor has even come to my house a couple times, and I know he has done that with others as well. I don't know how he has the time, but he makes it.
I also appreciate a doctor who will take his time at an office visit to answer questions, do a little teaching, and really hear my concerns. I've been spoiled with doctors like this and am so impressed.
When doctors have made a mistake with me they have been honest and apologetic, that has been so amazing. I know things happen and appreciate it when they are open about what's going on.
I like to call them Dr. ______. One person said to call her Dr. Nancy--that just felt weird. Dr. Chow always calls me Karin and I always call him Dr. Chow. I like that.
I think these things are as important as their level of competency--it inspires confidence. I like to know I'm not the first person they've done this procedure on--competency counts of course.
Well, there's my two cents. I count excellent doctors as one of the great blessings of this whole experience.
My doctors have been amazing at keeping in touch and following up. I appreciate that so much. You don't really know if you should mention a little concern, you don't want to bother someone you know is really busy, so when they call me, I feel they really want to know. Then I can be more at peace about a little symptom or something. One doctor has even come to my house a couple times, and I know he has done that with others as well. I don't know how he has the time, but he makes it.
I also appreciate a doctor who will take his time at an office visit to answer questions, do a little teaching, and really hear my concerns. I've been spoiled with doctors like this and am so impressed.
When doctors have made a mistake with me they have been honest and apologetic, that has been so amazing. I know things happen and appreciate it when they are open about what's going on.
I like to call them Dr. ______. One person said to call her Dr. Nancy--that just felt weird. Dr. Chow always calls me Karin and I always call him Dr. Chow. I like that.
I think these things are as important as their level of competency--it inspires confidence. I like to know I'm not the first person they've done this procedure on--competency counts of course.
Well, there's my two cents. I count excellent doctors as one of the great blessings of this whole experience.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
The Other Most Important Things
Cancer isn't the only difficulty in my life--I'm no different from anyone else--there are always trials, temptations, usually more than just one once in a while! Recently when I was feeling under-loved and over-corrected I read Elder Christofferson's April 2013 conference talk. He mentioned how Christ came to minister, not to be ministered TO. I wrote: Christ was serving, blessing, helping, being kind, generous, helpful His whole life, but He wasn't receiving it back. He was reviled rather than appreciated, persecuted not thanked. No one was serving HIM. If I want to truly follow the Master, then my focus will be on serving and loving, not on appreciation of my efforts. Forget appreciation! If it comes, well then, lucky me! If it doesn't, it doesn't matter. God knows my efforts and my heart, He's the One I want to please. It helped me to know that Christ really knows my pain, He lived His life feeling it. The scriptures teach He suffered all things so He would know how to succor us in our pain and sorrows.
During the sacrament, these words flashed quietly through my heart, 'He ministers NOW too'. It isn't just that He ministered to people 2000 years ago, but He continues to minister, and He ministers to ME--one person--not just to Jarius or the woman at the well, but to Karin Cochran, who has cancer and other issues. He can and will and wants to bless, strengthen, teach and lift and love ME! So then I have to ask, do I show appropriate gratitude and love back to him? And will I in turn minister to others...ie to Him in reality.
During the sacrament, these words flashed quietly through my heart, 'He ministers NOW too'. It isn't just that He ministered to people 2000 years ago, but He continues to minister, and He ministers to ME--one person--not just to Jarius or the woman at the well, but to Karin Cochran, who has cancer and other issues. He can and will and wants to bless, strengthen, teach and lift and love ME! So then I have to ask, do I show appropriate gratitude and love back to him? And will I in turn minister to others...ie to Him in reality.
The Most Important Thing about Eating
So... Home from the hospital...what do I do now? Our naturopath recommended a program of aggressively building the immune system and making a hostile enviornment for the cancer. My surgeon, Dr. Byram (my excellent primary care doctor), Dr. Chow (my amazing GI doctor), another naturopath we consulted with in Eugene--ALL of these respected and trusted people urged me to do chemotherapy. The oncologist in Seattle proposed an aggressive 6 month program.
This is what I wrote in my journal: I've just realized the severity of this cancer. It is in the most aggressive category with 'poorly differentiated margins', it's in a bad spot--near lungs, liver and pancreas--right in the GI track. Ray has outlined a specific program. He's intelligent, has studied naturopathy and healing for 40 years, he's in tune with God, he has our best interests at heart. I trust him. I trust my body. I don't trust chemo--I don't like what it does to my immune system. Chemo doesn't have a track record against Ampullary carcinoma and doesn't have a good track record against aggressive cancers. I just don't think it's our best chance. If we go with Ray's plan and it doesn't work, I won't look back and think, 'we should have tried chemo'. But I can't say the reverse. I think our best hope is to strengthen my body and let it heal itself.
So, with a real good feeling, we started on Ray's treatment which included herbs, shots, digestive enzymes, curcumin, Ambrotose and mushroom supplements. Until about Thanksgiving I had no problems. I walked about 4 times a week, 3-4 miles in the hills. No pains, no complaints, just felt great.
My biggest question was 'What Should I Eat?' Could someone please tell me the perfect cancer diet? I read books on cancer nutrition, I studied online, I studied the Word of Wisdom, I talked to my sister and other smart eaters. I asked the doctors, 2 naturopaths and my chiropractor (who actually gave me the best advice I think). I spent alot of money on "Nutritional Response Testing" trying to figure out the right way to eat.
In the end, I made my own plan and I've stuck pretty close to it. Happily, the month before and after the surgery I didn't feel much like eating so I got out of my terrible sugar habit. Of all my friends, I was the worst eater. They were all making good changes, not me. I love my cookies and all things sweet. Well, that's all changed and I couldn't be happier about it.
The backbone of my plan is what we should all be doing. I should have been doing it before and I have a great soapbox about it. Stay with me here! Get rid of sugar! It is not good for us. I use Stevia when I need something, sometimes local honey or agave, but those aren't great. Stevia is good. I don't eat processed foods--cereal, cake mix, crackers (well, I'm not perfect here), store-bought bread, white flour, white rice, mac n cheese, canned soup, convenience foods, fast food, most restaurant food (however, I love going out to eat, I do try to be very careful tho) it's a long list. I haven't had chocolate for 10 months! I also cut out all dairy (except butter) and at first I was vegetarian.
So, you ask, what do I eat? I eat eggs--we have our own free-range chickens, I think the eggs are good for you. I eat all the vegetables I can. I love them all. Tonight we had roasted veggies--squash, carrots, onions and brussel sprouts. Oh Yum!! I eat potatoes--this one gave me grief for a long time, many disagree, but at the time I had a garden full of the most delicious new red spuds and I ate them. I have either a green drink (fresh made vegetable juice) or green smoothie every day. I love them. I love squash, sweet potatoes, spinach salads, cabbage, onions... I eat them fresh, frozen, baked and steamed. I fry them in butter. I use 'Real Salt', as much as I want. I love what I eat!
I eat fruit too, never my canned-with-sugar fruit (except applesauce). Frozen berries, fresh anything else. Not as much fruit as vegetables. My opinion is that God made these, He loves variety, He wants us to be happy and there are so many wonderful healthful fruits and vegetables, He loves to see us using them with wisdom and gratitude.
I eat lots of nuts, brown rice, quinoa, beans, lentils, barley, oat groats and steel cut oats. I make my own 100% whole wheat bread, I spread it with almond butter or organic butter. My treat is a pumpkin, banana or blueberry muffin. I make them with coconut oil and/or applesauce, with whole wheat and stevia or honey. I like to always have muffins on hand. So far I haven't read Wheat Belly, I'm not sure I will.
I eat meat more often now, salmon when I can, pasture raised beef, chicken or turkey. No lunch meat, hot dogs, pork, bacon, never a whole piece, mostly a couple tablespoons, or half a cup in a soup or something, as a condiment, not the main event.
Here's the amazing thing. As I began eating this way, I call it a Whole Foods Plan, I ate what I wanted, I didn't count calories or limit portion sizes. I wasn't outrageous, I've never had wonderful control over my eating, but as I ate this way my body naturally shed pounds until it was where it wanted to be and I've stayed exactly there ever since. First time in my life you might say I am slim. Wow--it feels wonderful!
I wouldn't say I do this perfectly all the time or that my headaches all went away or that I can stay awake longer or my skin isn't dry anymore. I will say I can run the hills with greater ease and I never go to bed feeling guilty for my terrible eating during the day. I haven't been sick (except for the cancer of course), no colds, etc. All told I'm about 40 pounds lighter than I used to be.
So...the most important thing I've learned is that IT IS POSSIBLE to change the way we eat. And it is so important to do it. We are blessed with wonderful, delicious choices. We have to decide then stick to it. I've never been able to. Of course, I have terrific motivation--I think my diet is a critical factor in my healing, but everyone is susceptable to so many different diseases. We'd all be so much better off to really consider what we put into our body-temples.
Thank you for listening!
This is what I wrote in my journal: I've just realized the severity of this cancer. It is in the most aggressive category with 'poorly differentiated margins', it's in a bad spot--near lungs, liver and pancreas--right in the GI track. Ray has outlined a specific program. He's intelligent, has studied naturopathy and healing for 40 years, he's in tune with God, he has our best interests at heart. I trust him. I trust my body. I don't trust chemo--I don't like what it does to my immune system. Chemo doesn't have a track record against Ampullary carcinoma and doesn't have a good track record against aggressive cancers. I just don't think it's our best chance. If we go with Ray's plan and it doesn't work, I won't look back and think, 'we should have tried chemo'. But I can't say the reverse. I think our best hope is to strengthen my body and let it heal itself.
So, with a real good feeling, we started on Ray's treatment which included herbs, shots, digestive enzymes, curcumin, Ambrotose and mushroom supplements. Until about Thanksgiving I had no problems. I walked about 4 times a week, 3-4 miles in the hills. No pains, no complaints, just felt great.
My biggest question was 'What Should I Eat?' Could someone please tell me the perfect cancer diet? I read books on cancer nutrition, I studied online, I studied the Word of Wisdom, I talked to my sister and other smart eaters. I asked the doctors, 2 naturopaths and my chiropractor (who actually gave me the best advice I think). I spent alot of money on "Nutritional Response Testing" trying to figure out the right way to eat.
In the end, I made my own plan and I've stuck pretty close to it. Happily, the month before and after the surgery I didn't feel much like eating so I got out of my terrible sugar habit. Of all my friends, I was the worst eater. They were all making good changes, not me. I love my cookies and all things sweet. Well, that's all changed and I couldn't be happier about it.
 |
| Trevor with his green drink moo-stache |
 |
| Lincoln loved to help me make my green drink. He's not much of a veggie eater, but he would drink them! |
So, you ask, what do I eat? I eat eggs--we have our own free-range chickens, I think the eggs are good for you. I eat all the vegetables I can. I love them all. Tonight we had roasted veggies--squash, carrots, onions and brussel sprouts. Oh Yum!! I eat potatoes--this one gave me grief for a long time, many disagree, but at the time I had a garden full of the most delicious new red spuds and I ate them. I have either a green drink (fresh made vegetable juice) or green smoothie every day. I love them. I love squash, sweet potatoes, spinach salads, cabbage, onions... I eat them fresh, frozen, baked and steamed. I fry them in butter. I use 'Real Salt', as much as I want. I love what I eat!
I eat fruit too, never my canned-with-sugar fruit (except applesauce). Frozen berries, fresh anything else. Not as much fruit as vegetables. My opinion is that God made these, He loves variety, He wants us to be happy and there are so many wonderful healthful fruits and vegetables, He loves to see us using them with wisdom and gratitude.
I eat lots of nuts, brown rice, quinoa, beans, lentils, barley, oat groats and steel cut oats. I make my own 100% whole wheat bread, I spread it with almond butter or organic butter. My treat is a pumpkin, banana or blueberry muffin. I make them with coconut oil and/or applesauce, with whole wheat and stevia or honey. I like to always have muffins on hand. So far I haven't read Wheat Belly, I'm not sure I will.
I eat meat more often now, salmon when I can, pasture raised beef, chicken or turkey. No lunch meat, hot dogs, pork, bacon, never a whole piece, mostly a couple tablespoons, or half a cup in a soup or something, as a condiment, not the main event.Here's the amazing thing. As I began eating this way, I call it a Whole Foods Plan, I ate what I wanted, I didn't count calories or limit portion sizes. I wasn't outrageous, I've never had wonderful control over my eating, but as I ate this way my body naturally shed pounds until it was where it wanted to be and I've stayed exactly there ever since. First time in my life you might say I am slim. Wow--it feels wonderful!
I wouldn't say I do this perfectly all the time or that my headaches all went away or that I can stay awake longer or my skin isn't dry anymore. I will say I can run the hills with greater ease and I never go to bed feeling guilty for my terrible eating during the day. I haven't been sick (except for the cancer of course), no colds, etc. All told I'm about 40 pounds lighter than I used to be.
So...the most important thing I've learned is that IT IS POSSIBLE to change the way we eat. And it is so important to do it. We are blessed with wonderful, delicious choices. We have to decide then stick to it. I've never been able to. Of course, I have terrific motivation--I think my diet is a critical factor in my healing, but everyone is susceptable to so many different diseases. We'd all be so much better off to really consider what we put into our body-temples.
Thank you for listening!
The Most Important Things About Faith
Nothing like a serious diagnosis to help you take a good hard look at what you REALLY believe. About a month after the surgery, Jen and some of my dear friends came for a walk around the farm. Lori Moss said to read Hebrews 11 and make a study of faith. I was especially impressed with verses 35-39: Cast not away therefore your confidence...ye have need of patience, that after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.
I wrote in my journal: I analyze and analyze myself, and it has surprised me to feel very at peace with my standing before God. I AM willing and trying to be totally obedient, I DO have peace and confidence saying 'Thy will be done.' I have felt so much comfort and strengthening power, and really, no fear. I love and trust in God's Plan of Salvation, and I trust in His perfect plan for ME too.
Peace is probably the overriding feeling I have had this past year. I pray for inspiration about which plan to follow and instead of seeing the path ahead I am reassured that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me. I am blessed with perfect peace in praying "Thy will be done". I talked to a friend in a similar situation and she said at first she didn't know what to pray for--I felt just this way. If healing isn't God's will, should I pray for it?
I decided I would explain my dilemna to Heavenly Father--the bottom line is that I want His will to be done. That being said, if I have a choice, I choose and pray fervently that I might stay a while longer on this planet. I focus all my positive thoughts and energy on prevailing over cancer.
This last 10 months or so with cancer has been a spiritual blessing. I'm learning things I wouldn't have learned another way. I feel and know in my heart that the things I am doing, the things the scriptures teach, the "Sunday School answers", my imperfect efforts to live the gospel and repent and be humble, these things are enough. Salvation IS attainable by ordinary humans, God's plan really works for normal people.
We always know we could have done better, given more, been kinder, more helpful, endured more patiently...so we worry that we will fall short on judgment day. It has been the biggest surprise to me that I am at peace about that now. It brings about a much greater feeling of gratitude and love for my Savior, Jesus Christ. HE endured perfectly patiently, He WAS perfectly kind, perfectly helpful. He shares that perfection with me! I stand all amazed!
I wrote in my journal: I analyze and analyze myself, and it has surprised me to feel very at peace with my standing before God. I AM willing and trying to be totally obedient, I DO have peace and confidence saying 'Thy will be done.' I have felt so much comfort and strengthening power, and really, no fear. I love and trust in God's Plan of Salvation, and I trust in His perfect plan for ME too.
Peace is probably the overriding feeling I have had this past year. I pray for inspiration about which plan to follow and instead of seeing the path ahead I am reassured that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me. I am blessed with perfect peace in praying "Thy will be done". I talked to a friend in a similar situation and she said at first she didn't know what to pray for--I felt just this way. If healing isn't God's will, should I pray for it?
I decided I would explain my dilemna to Heavenly Father--the bottom line is that I want His will to be done. That being said, if I have a choice, I choose and pray fervently that I might stay a while longer on this planet. I focus all my positive thoughts and energy on prevailing over cancer.
This last 10 months or so with cancer has been a spiritual blessing. I'm learning things I wouldn't have learned another way. I feel and know in my heart that the things I am doing, the things the scriptures teach, the "Sunday School answers", my imperfect efforts to live the gospel and repent and be humble, these things are enough. Salvation IS attainable by ordinary humans, God's plan really works for normal people.
We always know we could have done better, given more, been kinder, more helpful, endured more patiently...so we worry that we will fall short on judgment day. It has been the biggest surprise to me that I am at peace about that now. It brings about a much greater feeling of gratitude and love for my Savior, Jesus Christ. HE endured perfectly patiently, He WAS perfectly kind, perfectly helpful. He shares that perfection with me! I stand all amazed!
The Most Important Things I Learned While Recouperating
I want to mention what I learned about kindness, thoughtfulness and service. We spent 2 weeks in Seattle, the first week in the hospital where I received phone calls, emails, visits, flowers and cards--so many good wishes--so many people taking time to send love my way. I told Duane I won't need a funeral, I've already had so many kind words!
Duane was so helpful. It must have been a little boring for him to go back and forth so many times to the hospital. Sometimes I just needed a hand to hold and he was always there. Jeff and Missy drove up from Corvallis to visit, that meant everything.
Then we spent a week with DeFord and Charlene (Duane's brother and sister-in-law)--they moved us into their bedroom so I would be as comfortable as possible. They waited on me hand and foot, they are such dear friends, it was so nice to be out of the hospital. I had had very difficult "roommates" there.
Brett had substituted at Seminary for me while I was gone, one day he had the kids make a huge poster with lots of sweet, encouraging messages and wishes. Brett's family made a hundred paper hearts and another big sign and they, with Teresa, had cleaned and decorated the house, filled it with flowers--coming home was pretty thrilling! THAT'S when I cried!
One of the sisters I visit teach brought me dinner--but not just dinner, there was a cute card, she wrapped a fancy chocolate, brought a little hand-quilted wall hanging, she washed and cut up strawberries--she had put such thought into this meal, gone way beyond what I've ever done when taking a meal to someone.
The lessons: I can be way more thoughtful and helpful. A call is so nice--doesn't have to be any longer than to say I'm thinking of you. I can take much more care when taking a meal to someone. A card is so nice--all these simple things show someone cares.
Duane was so helpful. It must have been a little boring for him to go back and forth so many times to the hospital. Sometimes I just needed a hand to hold and he was always there. Jeff and Missy drove up from Corvallis to visit, that meant everything.
Then we spent a week with DeFord and Charlene (Duane's brother and sister-in-law)--they moved us into their bedroom so I would be as comfortable as possible. They waited on me hand and foot, they are such dear friends, it was so nice to be out of the hospital. I had had very difficult "roommates" there.
Brett had substituted at Seminary for me while I was gone, one day he had the kids make a huge poster with lots of sweet, encouraging messages and wishes. Brett's family made a hundred paper hearts and another big sign and they, with Teresa, had cleaned and decorated the house, filled it with flowers--coming home was pretty thrilling! THAT'S when I cried!One of the sisters I visit teach brought me dinner--but not just dinner, there was a cute card, she wrapped a fancy chocolate, brought a little hand-quilted wall hanging, she washed and cut up strawberries--she had put such thought into this meal, gone way beyond what I've ever done when taking a meal to someone.
The lessons: I can be way more thoughtful and helpful. A call is so nice--doesn't have to be any longer than to say I'm thinking of you. I can take much more care when taking a meal to someone. A card is so nice--all these simple things show someone cares.
The Most Important Thing
Last February I started itching, then feeling constant nausea, my bowels were weird, then I started losing weight. Near the end of March I had a trip planned to visit Claire--she insisted I go to the doctor first so I'd feel better while I was there. In the back of my brain I wondered if these were serious symptoms, but in my journal I wrote: I don't feel at all worried, if it is serious, then it is...and it must be God's answer, so surely good will come of it. Hopefully all will be well, 'but if not'...
My blood work showed my liver numbers were off the chart, so right away I had an ultra sound, an appointment with Dr. Chow, the most amazing GI doctor, an endoscopy with a stint placed in the bile duct, and then on Tuesday the diagnosis: a small cancerous tumor, Ampullary Carcinoma. On Thursday we had an appointment with surgeons in Seattle and on Monday, April 1st, 2013, I had my first operation, a Whipple Procedure. It all happened so fast.
Just before we left for the surgery I wrote in my journal: I feel calm and totally at peace. I really feel like it is in God's hands, He knows me, and as Paul Jennison blessed me tonight, He has a plan for me. He also blessed me that everyone who comes into my space will be at their best. It was a blessing full of love.
The surgery showed I was at stage 3, 14 of 16 lymph nodes were infected, but it didn't appear to be in any other organs--I got that news on April 5th--exactly 2 years after Mom died of ovarian cancer.
A week later I met with an oncologist who proposed chemotherapy, but didn't give great odds of long term survival. We read everything we could and the prognosis was dismal--with or without chemo. We met with Dr. Ray Dent, our family friend from Kent, WA and an excellent Naturopath. He proposed an aggressive program designed to strengthen my immune system and to make a hostile enviornment for cancer cells to grow.
So...the most important things I learned this first month of cancer diagnosis...I DO trust God! I can say in the most important situations, 'Thy will be done' and truly mean it and want it. I found out God knows ME--I know He knows others, now I know He knows and loves ME!
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